


If You're Reading This (I'm Already Home)

by radicallyred



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 17:47:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15515211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radicallyred/pseuds/radicallyred
Summary: On the desk is a glass and pitcher of water and a white envelope with Tony’s name written on it in Steve’s handwriting. He hasn’t cried, hasn’t spoken unless he’s had to, since the words left the doctor’s mouth. He’s not sure he’s even taken a breath. He knows his entire life will change no matter what that letter says.





	If You're Reading This (I'm Already Home)

**Author's Note:**

> grab your tissues, this is a doozy
> 
> title from the song of the same name by Tim McGraw

Nothing good can come from a phone call, marked urgent, at four fifty-seven in the morning. Tony knows this. It’s the way he found out about his parents all those years ago.

“Mr. Stark, this is Dr. Jennifer Deacon with Berlin Medical in Germany. I’m hoping you have a moment to talk?” She didn’t have to say anymore before Tony knew what had happened. He flew to Berlin, dropping Peter and Harley off with Bruce and their very pregnant surrogate, Natasha. He didn’t say much, just that there was an emergency. He’s on autopilot as he gets to Germany. He’s not sure how got to the hospital. He isn’t sure how he stayed upright as he was taken to claim Steve’s body. Cold and pale but still his Steve. His beautiful, beautiful Steve.

“Yes. That’s--” He clears his throat. “That’s him.” The woman hands him Steve’s dog-tags and Tony puts them on without thinking. She leads him to a private office with a clean, mahogany desk and leather chair. She places a gentle hand on his shoulder and tells him to take his time before she closes the door.

On the desk is a glass and pitcher of water and a white envelope with Tony’s name written on it in Steve’s handwriting. He hasn’t cried, hasn’t spoken unless he’s had to, since the words left the doctor’s mouth. He’s not sure he’s even taken a breath. He knows his entire life will change no matter what that letter says.

He tears open the envelope and swallows around the lump in his throat as he begins to read. 

_To the love of my life,_

_If you're reading this, it means something horrible has happened. It means I’ve been taken from you, from our kids, from this earth. I want you to know that I love you, that I have everything taken care of as far as arrangements go. There are a series of envelopes in my bedside table. Some for the kids, some for you, the team, and some legal things. All the legal stuff will be dealt with by a lawyer by the name of Stephanie Lovelace in Brooklyn. All the others can be given out at your discretion.  
_

_  
If you’re reading this, it means I’m halfway around the world. It looks like I only got a one way ticket over here. I knew as soon as I signed up for this job that this would be a possibility, and I am so sorry that things had to happen this way. I sure wish I could give you one more kiss, my love, one more kiss. I wish I could have one more night with you. I would give anything to hear you laugh, to watch you help Peter with his algebra homework, or sing Harley to sleep just one more time. I don’t want that to change, baby. I want you to keep going, no matter how much you’re hurting._

_All those years ago, before we met, before I was Captain America, I thought war was just a game Bucky and I played as kids. I never knew what we were fighting for. Not until I met you. I’m putting it all down; my shield, the guns, my boots. All of it. It’s all getting hung up for good. By the time you get this, I’ll be up with God watching over you. I don’t want you to worry about my soul. It’s where my momma always prayed that it would go._

_If you’re reading this, I’m home with her. I’m eating her soup, and we’re laughing and dancing to swing music. If you’re reading this, I’m drinking scotch with Howard and charming Maria. I can’t wait to tell them how incredible you are, how loving and kind and smart you are. I’m sure they would be amazed at how you are with our kids. God, Tony, they’d be so proud. They would take one look at Peter and know how much of a great young man he is. They would be able to see that his confidence comes from spending time with you. That his natural brilliance and talent all come from you, Tony. They would see how you act with Harley, how you make him laugh, how you comfort him. They would be so proud. I’m so proud, Tony. So, so proud._

_I am so sorry I won’t be there to see the birth of our little girl. I hope she looks like you, I hope she fights like me. No matter what, though, I hope she stands up for the innocent and the weak. I want her to know that her father, her papa, wants her to be brave. I want her to know that she is loved unconditionally even if I’m not there to sing her to sleep, to wipe away her tears, to intimidate any potential suitors She is going to be so beautiful, Tony. I just know it. I want her to know that even though I’m not there, she always has part of me with her.  
I’ve left all three kids notes. Give Peter’s to him when you feel he’s ready, now or later. He will take the biggest hit from this. I want you to save Harley and the baby’s for their eighteenth birthdays. I need you to make sure they all know I love them, that you were all my very last thought. That I will always love them, and you, for eternity. Tell them everyday. Two kisses at bedtime, two hugs before school. One from you and one from me. _

_There will come a day where you’ll move on and find someone else. That’s okay, that’s what I want. I want you to be happy, I want you to remember that I am in a better place where soldiers live in peace and angels sing Amazing Grace. I hope he, or she, makes you as happy as you make me. I love you, Tony. You deserve love._

_I love you forever and always._

_With all the love in my being,_

_Steve_

Tony is sobbing like he has never cried before. He’s gasping for air, clutching at his face, his chest, his neck, his head. He thinks he may die. He knows this is a panic attack. He knows that he’s in shock. He screams, crying hard.

He passes out. 

*** 

The funeral arrangements are in an envelope in the bedside table. It’s a Wednesday morning and it’s sunny, the weather perfect to be spent outside. It’s the team, whoever’s left, and their little family. Tony is wearing Steve’s dog-tags around his neck, hasn’t taken them off since he got them when he went to claim the body.

Peter is depressed beyond belief. Tony’s been letting him skip school, an email to the principal letting him know the circumstance has given the boy a grace period for as long as he needs. Tony doesn’t think there’s a time long enough for this. He needs to keep an eye on the boy because he hasn’t eaten, slept or gone on a run in weeks.

He used to run with Steve, Tony thinks sadly. He squeezes his fifteen year old’s hand reassuringly, his toddler asleep on his shoulder. Peter squeezes back, his mouth in a straight line, swallowing constantly to keep his tears at bay.

“I love you.” Peter says out of nowhere. Tony lets his tears fall, wrapping his free arm around the boy.

“I love you so much, Pete.” Tony says kissing his hair. Peter clears his throat and stares at the casket with the American flag draped over it. They're silent for a minute, Peter making strangled noises as he tries to stifle his cries.

“It’s okay to cry,” Tony says softly. Peter shakes his head, wiping his face frantically.

“I have to be brave.” Peter says brokenly. “It’s what pops would’ve wanted.” Tony squeezes him again and doesn’t let go.

The day passes and Tony gets the kids to bed with some tears, extra hugs and kisses. Tony closes the door to the bedroom and strips naked, pulling on one of Steve’s shirts before falling into bed. He buries his face into Steve’s pillow and inhales deeply. He cries a little, but his son’s words echo in his head.

_I have to be brave. It’s what Pops would have wanted._

“I love you, Steve.” Tony sighs. “You’re home, now.”

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry


End file.
